This week was an atheist nightmare for me?

Jonathan asked:


It all started when I went to the ATM machine and I swiped my bank card and the screen said: English or Swedish? I don’t know why — I pressed Swedish and then my PIN number and it was wrong —- I punched in another one and it was even more wrong —- and now there were people in line behind me. And the ATM machine chewed up my card and spit it out and I went home in humiliation and that night I dreamed that I was locked in a room with no door. No door, just a big angry dog. And an angry God. I didn’t sleep all night. I had terrible hallucinations about standing in the middle of the freeway and cars passing and then a 747 coming in to land straight toward me and I woke up in terror, the alarm going off —– I got up and made coffee and I put two pieces of toast into the toaster and pushed it down but I forgot the PIN number for the toaster, which is a new digital toaster, and the toaster alarm went off and I had to call an 800 number to get the PIN number and I wound up talking to

somebody in New Delhi—-

”You wish your PIN number for what?”

It’s for my toaster.

“What is the serial number of the toaster? “

I have no idea.

It’s on the bottom of the toaster—-

Listen, never mind, I’ll call and have some toast delivered. It’s easier. So I called Toast of the Town—–

“This is Toast of the Town. We’re sorry but all of our operators are busy with other customers. Please hold and your call will be answered as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience. Our business is very important to us. While you’re waiting, would you like to hear about how you can save thousands of dollars in interest payments a year by refinancing your home? Press one if you would”

And I pressed one and before I knew it I had a new mortgage at 14% annual interest and I came home that night and when I put my key in the lock the burglar alarm went off and lights are flashing and the cops came and their guns were drawn ——

Cop: “Tell us your mother’s maiden name. “

Hendricks! No. Hernandez. Liebling. Lundberg. Am I close?

“On the ground, mister. Face down. No sudden moves”
They got me to the precinct station and one cop And I slunk home, crestfallen, and that very day, in downtown St. Paul, I had the first problem I’ve ever had in my life with parallel parking —- me —– unable to park —- I turned in a little too far and scraped the curb, and I had to pull out and try again and almost ran into a guy and I went to back in a second time and I went up over the curb and almost struck a disabled vet in a wheelchair so I pulled out into the street while carefully checking my sideview mirror and I hit the car ahead and knocked off the hubcap and of course it was a car belonging to a young woman with bright green hair and fishhooks in her lower lip.
There was a big crowd and I backed in for another try and was doing okay until I got the brake and the gas pedal mixed up and totaled the car behind me. And of course the cops came. And they told me I’d have to take my driver’s test all over again. I couldn’t believe it. A simple skill like parallel parking. You can do it but you go along for months parking in parking lots and ramps and empty streets where you don’t have to back into a space, and after awhile you lose that skill. —– Same thing happened to me with spelling. I’ve always been a terrific speller. And then my wife asked—-

“How do you spell pusillanimous?”

Pusillanimous. Uh—– let me see. Pusillanimous.

“Never mind, I’ll look it up in the dictionary.”

No, I know that. I know it.
All of these skilles I haven’t used.I seemed to have forgotten how. And dueling. I hadn’t fought a duel in years, but I thought I could, and then my wife slaps me
Why did you slap me?

“You know. “

I do not know. Why did you slap me?

“You pusillanimous pipsqueak. You poltroon. You puffed-up Grand Poobah of Pusillanimity and poltroonishness.

What did I do to you? “

“Your sword, sir—- **CLASH OF STEEL**”

I don’t fight duels with women—-
“You do now”

I used to be a good swordfighter, but you know, I’m a liberal, and we’re into negotiation and trying to understand other points of view, and none of that sharpens your ability to wield a rapier and poke people with it. And I walked away and –wouldn’t you know it, my car was being towed and a dog was sitting there laughing at me and I could hear God laughing and as the towtruck hauled my car away a car driven by an old lady parallel parked in that space in two precise maneuvers—

What would Jesus do?

Create a video blog…instantly.