Can someone share a “Southern” joke with this Texas gal?
I need to laugh tonight…
Here’s one to start:
How to make a Southern Burglar Alarm
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s
work boots, used, size 14-16.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of
Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
“Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke, Slim and I went for more shotgun shells and to pick my check up from the slaughterhouse. I should be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the Pit Bulls–don’t know what got into them, but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house.
Better wait out here on the porch.”
“Cooter”
~~~~~~~~
Peace!!!
I’m a single gal with no kids, dear… but I have a LOT of trouble with neighbor kids coming on my property at night for whatever they can steal… usually my patio geraniums and ivy!
I have two big chow dogs… so this might work for me! LOL!
Oh, my dear Miss “BeHonest” – you make me wish Y!A had Smilie Icons!
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June 21st, 2009 at 7:51 pm
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That’d not only scare a burglar, but also the five year old son.
June 24th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
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Sorry, I’m not Texan.
But I think you’d get a bigger laugh looking at a cowboy’s willy.
June 26th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
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Hey there Texas gal, use to live in Austin myself as a kid! I live in Tennessee so I can send you this one…although you can replace it with any Southern state.
Happy Hour In Tennessee
A redneck is driving down a back road in Tennessee.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
“Lord almighty” he says to himself, “my three favorite things
June 27th, 2009 at 3:32 am
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how do you know if you are a redneck
if you go to your family reunion to find a date.
June 30th, 2009 at 6:30 am
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Do you know what you get when you play country music backwards?
You get your wife back, your car back, your dog back, etc….
July 1st, 2009 at 11:12 pm
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On his march through Georgia, General Sherman and his army camped near what we now know as Stone Mountain. He sent a detachment of men on top of the mountain to serve as lookouts, and told them to light a latern when night fell so he would know their location.
There was no latern lit that night and the following morning the detachment failed to report, so General Sherman ordered a captain to take a company of soldiers to check on the detachment. About two hours later one lone rebel yells down to the general, “Hey General, I’ve done killed all those soldiers you sent up here! What you gonna do about it!?
Of course this made General Sherman furious, so he ordered a major to take a regiment of soldiers to the top of the mountain with orders to “Bring me that Rebel!”
About three hours later one lone yankee, beaten and battered staggers into camp and is immediately taken to General Sherman. He tells the General, “Sir, its a trap! There’s two Rebels up there!!”
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:39 am
burglar alarms
Redneck pick up lines..
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can’t hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I’d like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I’d store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
Man – “Fat Penguin!”
but beauty’s only a light switch away.
Woman – “WHAT?”
Man – “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”
9) I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND…. the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:06 am
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Here is one that’s been in circulation for awhile, but still puts tears in my eyes, laughing… :
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* Feline05
* Member since: November 21, 2006
* Total points: 4,145 (Level 4)
* Points earned this week: 20
* 7% Best answer
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Feline05
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The Taser – Classic…Don’t tell me you can read this
without laughing…(Only a guy would do this!)?
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for
their anniversary submitted this :
Last weekend at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on an assailant.
The idea is to allow my wife — who would never
consider a gun –adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I
read (yes, ‘read’) that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs and I’d know it was working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave).
Additional Details
4 months ago
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only
two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my
recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions &
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on
a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) &
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if
I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance
that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts & a tank top with
my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
my nose, directions in one hand, & taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss
of bodily control; a three-second burst
4 months ago
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with
her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it,”
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, body slammed us
both on the carpet, over & over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left
arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to “mug”
yourself
4 months ago
with a taser, that there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not
let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-… that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected what little wits I had
left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs.
I’m still looking for my testicles!! I’m offering a
significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Earl.
4 months ago
This was contributed by one of my co-workers – I will
pass on the feed back. I sincerely am sorry for
putting all of you thru this nightmare!!
4 months ago
Thanks for the second half of my readers – I will now
really pass on to my coworkers that it was and is VERY
Funny – because leave it to a man to do something this
FOOLISH!! And you are right the others should have
waited for the whole story. I had to keep leaving my
desk before I can tell the whole story.
July 4th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
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LOL!! Bubba from Alabama! Bubba meets the girl of his dreams,his first
cousin Emmy Lou.He takes her out for a special dinner, and shows her a
good
time at theRedneck Carnival at Diggerland.The next day they spend
together and Bubba shows off his water skiing skills. Later that night, he
romances
her underspecial mood lighting. A week or so later, Bubba realizesthis
relationship is getting serious.He makes reservations for aValentine’s
Day
dinner. Emmy Lou wasso impressed with his thoughtfulness, they had a
special Friday night dateat the Soap & Suds Laundromat ! A month later he
proposes to Emmy Lou,and he buys her a really purdyengagement ring.On
the day of their wedding, hetells her how much he loves her just before
the
ceremony. Then they’re off to theirHoneymoon Suite, where they open
their wedding gifts. Their favorites ?Hers was the Chandelier, His was the
New
BBQ Bubba takes his new bride home. He wants to tidy up the
place,so he cuts the grass with hisriding mower. Then Bubba decides to fix a
fewthings around the house.He makes the bathroom a littlenicer for his
sweetie, repairs the mirror on her car,and installs a new flat screen
TVin the
living room !Bubba works hard at his job every day. He does the best
that he can withonly a 5th grade education. 7 months later, they sendout
announcements. Bubba Jr. has arrived !Now they are a family. They are
so proud of Jr. and marvelat how he gets cuter every day. 8 years later,
Jr.
starts kindergarten. Jr. loves riding on the Redneck School Bus. After
3 years in kindergarten, Jr. finallygraduates to first grade. To
celebrate,
Bubba takes Jr. and hisclassmates on a field trip. Shortly thereafter,
Bubba and the familymove to a different state and settle intotheir new
DREAM
HOME on the river, where they live happily ever af ter !. the end
July 6th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
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What’s the real difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Southern Zoo?
On the cage, a Yankee Zoo will have the name of the animal and then the scientific name in Latin.
Whereas, a Southern Zoo will have the name of the animal and the recipe…..!
You know you are in Texas when—
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car . . .
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water . . .
You can say 110 degrees without fainting . . .
You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off . . .
You can make sun tea instantly . . .
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron . . .
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance . . .
Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one . . .
It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets . . .
You actually burn your hand opening the car door . . .
Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter . . .
A formula less than 30 SPF is a joke and you only wear that to go to the corner store . . .
Hot air balloons can’t go (at all) . . .
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car . . .
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear, “what if I get knocked out and lay on the pavement and cook to death”?
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
July 26th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
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